August 18, 2009

Will Babble for Cash

Ok, enough about medication and craziness and all that TMI. I was just thinking about how I couldn't link to the Drew Barrymore picture, and not for lack of trying. I am so computer challenged it's a miracle I can get this blog up and going.

But I would love to change that. I am recently (clear-headedly) interested in going back to work, in the real world. A job that pays money. (Not that being a Stay Home Mom isn't a job, please don't get me wrong. Although I don't think I do a very good job of it, I do believe it is a job. And a hard one. Which is probably why I want to quit it. More on that later.)

I tried this for a year. I thought my kids needed me to stay home and be there for them. Turns out, Matt needed me to disappear from the face of the earth and Jack only needed me to be within shout's reach of him, which included the cell phone, so technically, I didn't have to be here at all. Sure, the house stayed a little cleaner, we ate dinner a bit more regularly and a bit more healthfully, and yeah, John didn't have to do much laundry for a year.

But honestly? I was no Super Mom. No Domestic Goddess, no Donna Reed by any stretch of the imagination. I volunteered at Jack's school, which I felt was worthwhile, if only for 3 hours a week. Oooh! Crazy busy! I did the shopping and the blah, blah, blah, but if truth be told, I took a lot of naps and watched a lot of CSI reruns. A lot. And even though I wasn't eating bonbons, per se, I did manage to gain a hefty amount of weight and get completely out of shape, even though I had all the time in the world to go to the gym. Go figure.

So here I am, at the place my husband hates the most: the What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up place that I revisit every one, two or three years. Really, I've never kept a job longer than that. Three years is it. Crazy huh? It makes John insane to have to come here with me; he would love it if I just picked something and stayed with it.

The thing is, I can't pick a favorite brand of toothpaste and stick with that, so what on earth are the chances that I'd be able to nail down a career??? I feel for him, I do. I know this must suck. I'm pathetically indecisive. In fact, my friend Joanne calls me Sarge - SGT - as in Second Guess Tam. It happens to be a nickname I incurred recently, while wearing this military sort of hat thing .... oh never mind. I thought it was cute when I bought it. But she's right - I can't make a single decision without reworking it four or twenty times before I actually do anything. And this truly does range from committing to a career to whether or not I'll have cream cheese or butter on my bagel this morning.

Sad. And frustrating. I would love to just do this all day. Write and blab on and on about, well, nothing really. Like a Seinfeld in writing. As if I'm the first person who ever though of it. Which kind of brings me back to the whole computer illiterate thing. If I could design web pages or blog for a living, wouldn't that just kick ass?

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